Something Bea Miller said

How to: heal

I feel like I’m just a jar filled with memories.

The other day I got pho with my friend and she shared a negative friend experience she’s going through and I gave her my advice on what I think should be done. It seemed like it was really difficult for her to talk about and the conversation came to a lapse so I felt compelled to share a similar heavy story but in a slightly different way.

This story may not make me come off in the best way but I seem to trust you all either way.

I told her about the time I had to end a friendship with a current addict who was also my best friend at the end. It’s a much too long story with way too many details but essentially I was not in a place to help them and the relationship was taking on a toll on me more than it was adding. It seemed like the right thing because in my head it wasn’t worth the continual hurt that was breaking me. To me, it wasn’t denying support from an addict. It was the well-being of my friend over the well-being of myself. Unlike past occurrences, I chose myself.

I shared this story with the friend in front of me and I, well, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know what I was seeking.

I asked her if she had an experience with an addict and she said she had and I asked her about her experience but it’s not clear where it was going. It was clear I wasn’t going to reach out to the friend because I’m not in a place where I need them back in my life. And I wasn’t going to apologize for what I did but I believe I did the right thing. Maybe reassurance. That I wasn’t being the bad guy. Because often I feel like the bad guy.

That’s not the point of this either. The point of this was I could remember every detail very clearly. Even though I’ve healed from the heartbreak, I still can recount the details perfectly. And I could do it again. It’s a replenishing loop.

I feel like a jar of memories waiting to be answered.

I started rewatching the Mandalorian with my best friend because she wanted to. The last time I watched it, it was with my ex and all of his friends and I didn’t understand a thing despite having seen all the Star Wars movies at birth. I remember feeling really stupid that day but I made them put on the new HSM television series and it made it all a bit better.

Rewatching it with my best friend feels a bit different. I actually understand things which is weird but I’m okay with it. She gave up on the rewatch so I decided to continue on my own and I’m still seeing things all differently. It feels like a new kind of love.

I still think about that boy and all the ways he made me feel. I remember the crying in my freshman dorm like it was everything despite it being nothing. I remember accidentally barging into my suitemate on the phone with her boyfriend. I remember sitting on her bed feeling sorry. I remember all of this as the title card reads “EPISODE 3: THE CHILD” and I smile in a way because I remember it like a movie, but it’s different now.

I’m watching it in a different room, but my clothes are still on the floor. And I have new worries and I’m terrified of new things both of which I hate, but still I’m okay with it.

Nothing will drive you crazy like boy crazy.

I feel like a jar overflowing, spilling.

I feel like crying a lot. I cried a lot as a child to the point where I got called names. I got called cry baby and had to write a paper on it in the fifth grade. Some coach told me to say “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.” I told my parents this and they laughed at me which made me cry again, but this time alone. I felt so bad so long that I trained myself not to cry in public to the point where I stopped being able to know how to cry. So now I just feel like crying a lot.

Sometimes I cry over stupid things. A few times I’ve cried over laundry. I think, though, a lot of times, I cry over love. Love lost, love won, love ungranted. I cry every time I say goodbye to my parents. I cried when my grandpa died. I still cry sometimes when my mother yells at me. I cry during movies — when the love is too big, it’s only properly declared in words so small.

But I feel like crying a lot more than I actually do it. I’ve felt like crying all weekend over frustration of housing and adulthood, and guilt over not being a very good person. Today I feel like crying over stress and disappointment and missing my mom but not in the usual way.

When Fearless (Taylor’s Version) came out I cried over my ex best friends like it was easy. When SOUR came out I cried over ex best friends, but in a way I kind of had to think about it a little. When RED (Taylor’s Version) came out I forced myself to cry over my ex best friends. I cried a little bit about me.

Sometimes I think about how I don’t cry over you anymore, and that makes me cry a little too.

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Last watched: Mandalorian (Disney Plus)

Last read: King Lear

Books read: 4/12