I Wanna Get Better
How to: cope with failing expectations
I cannot believe it’s been a whole year since I started this! Honestly, insane. I already know that without looking at my extended resolutions that this is going to get embarrassing.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post this during December or January. (January is still a difficult word.) I think I wanted to wrap it up nicely, talk about my goals for the coming year. But nothing gets wrapped up nicely. I’ve never made an even bow, the type you see in movies. So, December it is.
Everything looks brighter in the beginning. Even when we’re born, the lights are so bright, we cry out in pain. I can’t remember the last time I cried because something was beautiful.
A whole year ago, I was scrambling to be this person I can barely remember. I wanted to watch all the movies HBO and Netflix were removing. I had just started up my monthly playlists and I thought I could get them all done right away. But in my desire of getting things done, I forgot to keep living.
And now this year. I’ve definitely lived more. I went to parties with my roommate, flirted embarrassingly with people who I probably shouldn’t be, explored new places that I would’ve sheltered away. I have no real prospects. No talent agent is seeing me on the street and saying, “you got the face for the movies.” (Because who ever has that happen to them when you look like me?) No job, no internship. But I went out more. I pushed myself. I stopped doubting myself and started writing again.
I’m trying to do better with acknowledging that progress looks different on me than on other people.
The thing that you talk a lot about in therapy is that you’re not other people and balance is hard. (See, another new thing. Therapy.) Last year, I was so focused on getting things done that I forgot to live and I was unhappy. This year I started living again but I didn’t get a lot done and that makes me embarrassed. How does one learn how to balance these things? If you figure it out, please let me know.
So, what now? Well, I’m trying. I’m searching for things out of my reach and putting myself out there in the hopes of a lot of rejections. Why? Because it builds character? Because it means you’re closer to the real thing? Who knows? Sometimes I think we’re just lost people hoping to find a flashlight in a crowded tunnel.
There are a lot more of you here now than when I began, and I’m so grateful for that. Welcome. Hi. Things get a little lost in the middle but eventually, we find our way, which I find pretty fitting. I hope you stick around. And if not, well, some other time, I guess.
2022 New Years Resolutions
To be a better adult*
I don’t really know if this is measurable. But I definitely feel better about my progress than I did the year before, so I’m checking this one off.
Read at least 12 books
Yes! I did this one! I actually surpassed the goal with a total of 5 extra books! Thank you Heartstopper…
Do daily journals
No… No. This is comically depressing. Maybe if I used my notes app more with the format my best friend did. My problem is that I want to remember everything ever that happens to me. Until I get tired and remember nothing.
Learn Tagalog
Okay, I actually started this one, until finals got hectic. I need to pick it up again. Plus, it’s so rewarding. If anyone has tips for teaching yourself a new language…
Weekly blog posts
Ha. Big big laugh here.
Finish a first draft manuscript
Not even close.
See you next year.
Last watched: Key and Peele (Netflix)
Last read: A Show For Two by Tashie Bhuiyan