Golden Hour

How to: Deal with Corporate Rejection

I feel as if I’m experiencing several different crises all at once. It’s not midlife, as I’m only 22. But at the same time, I can feel the effects of aging catch up to me. I had a job interview recently that asked me if I had any body mobility limitations that might interfere with the job and I had to really think about it.

Speaking about jobs and interviews, I’ve had five jobs decline me and the rest were ghosts. They say writers and performers must get really good at rejections throughout their life, but they never warn you that it’s also a requirement for adulthood. I think maybe that’s the whole source of what’s bumming me out. I had a rough and long spring semester and was convinced that this summer would be life-changing, all for it to come up that nobody wants me. Seriously; one job sent me three emails that they rejected me.

I’ve been rewatching Ted Lasso on a loop in order to avoid the truth of its ending. I’ve never been really good at endings. It used to be that the only two shows I’ve ever finished in their entirety were Wizards of Waverly Place and Pretty Little Liars. I still haven't even caught up to all of Doctor Who — a show I’ve been watching since middle school. Still, in the age of constant cancellations, studios are making it easier for my case.

I keep getting lost in it. That’s the real truth of these newsletters. I’m not trained in the art of creative nonfiction or essays or newsletters or whatever you want to call these styles of writing. I just get a feeling of something that might be good to write about and then it loses me in the loop that is my own brain and suddenly it has been almost a year since I’ve posted. The original purpose of this was a sort of Julie and Julia type deal except I’m not going through a cookbook from start to finish. It’s just me.

It’s the hope that kills you. - Ted Lasso

That’s the real reason I brought up Ted Lasso. They have a whole episode about how it’s not a bad thing to believe in hope. To believe it’s okay to enjoy things, even if you think there’s an expiration date written along the rim. To believe. I used to think I held that same philosophy, as I found myself getting wrapped up in the emotion of the show. But that’s not really me. It’s never been me. I’ve held a more Michelle Jones’ “expect disappointment” mindset. In all that I did growing up, acting or sports, I never believed I was all that great at it. I began to become superstitious about it all: if I got my hopes up, I jinxed the whole thing. It’s better to just assume nothing will happen because then you either get a nice surprise or were right all along.

Obviously, I didn’t get the job that I accidentally let the hope slip through for. Or I wouldn’t be sitting here, writing a Holden Caulfield-esque newsletter for you. I guess the death of hope has left me craving something new. Something life-changing. I’ve never been the kind of person who’s had a strong grasp on who I am. There have been a few moments of clarity in the past few years, but now I’m back to reinvention. Maybe I’ll be someone really put together, an avid reader, a morning person, someone who loves working out and goes on runs around the neighborhood. I could learn a new language or finish a journal (the second in my life), or let the sun fix me for a few hours each day. I’ve already deleted TikTok and Instagram, in hopes that it’ll better my brain. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning, and not feel as if I’ve ruined the day. I think I need to stop doing things for the purpose of being written about and start for the purpose of living.

Still, I’ve found that it’s easiest to say you’ll make change than to actually stick with it. Look at any presidential election. I don’t need a loud declaration to the whole world, proving my worth. I need a gentle whisper that will get lost in the wind as I teach myself to enjoy the time as I pass it by. I guess that’s why I’m sitting in my backyard, typing this along to the sounds of the birds, and telling all of you.

Thank you. Bear with me.

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Last watched: Doctor Who (Max)

Last read: On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong