Fleabag was right

How to: find love in religion

In one of my communication classes, we’re talking about identity politics. How do we view ourselves and how this affects how others perceive us. I had to explain that I’m at a mid-way point of Catholic and non-religious.

I don’t know what I believe in. I was raised Catholic but I don’t really go to Mass anymore. I still pray at night for the things I’m thankful for.

The whole loss of religion was an elongated combined effort. I gave up by eighth grade, but I still did confirmation because it’s what’s expected. I continued with it for a few years more but I think the fullest stop was when I graduated high school.

It’s hard keeping up a faith in something so abstract.

Some might say that faith is the belief in something not clearly there. I think faith is the continued efforts of love.

I felt a big loss of love.

When I enter a place of worship now, I don’t feel love. It’s more a five-second lasting relief from solace from outside, immediately followed by intense regret. Regret onset from the feeling of judgment and fear.

I often worry that I care about people more than they care about me. I won’t apologize for caring for other people, but I also won’t lie to you and say there isn’t a feeling of imbalance. Does the fear come a general feeling of unlove? No. But I know the way I show my love for others. I show up. I have a certain knowing fear that when it matters, others won’t do the same for me.

I also worry if my impact matters. Again, I know logically it matters. I know that without me, a lot of things in people’s lives would have maybe occurred in the opposite way. But still, I have called my friend and said if something didn’t happen to me in a big way I’m not sure many people would notice otherwise.

The worry is the result of the loss of faith, in others, in myself, in efforts, in daily love.

So what now? Is the faith gone? I don’t think so. I think the fact that I consider myself a full midway point between Catholic and non-Catholic is evident.

I was going through my favorites on Tiktok to try to clear out the unnecessary ones. There were a significant number of Tiktoks of people expressing acts of kindness. Eat with me videos, tips for self-care, reminders of worthiness. John Green just posted a Tiktok today about his friend who died. He said that he (Green) did a local book tour for his second book and barely anyone showed up. At one of the locations, his said friend showed up and filled time by continually asking questions.

Last semester I told my friend that I liked the show Bojack Horseman and recommended that she should watch it. Naturally, she thoroughly loved it. At the end of the semester, she got me a Bojack Horseman soundtrack vinyl. For Valentine’s Day, my other friend got me and one of my best friend’s matching rings. I wear it every day and think of them when I fiddle with it.

I think you get the point by now, even though I have numerous more instances. The point is people.

I started going back to the gym this semester. Today I posted on my Instagram story (@kari.lienn shameless plug) that today was my second day of doing that. I considered that maybe I was being annoying with posting that and even thought of not doing that again. After my workout, I called my friend because I wanted to. She told me that she was considering not going to the gym but upon seeing my story she was inspired to go.

A big factor of religion that keeps being going is the fact that right when you consider giving up, it shows up for you in the most beautiful way.

Grammarly is funny. It recognizes the friends in the ring.

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Last watched: Drinking Buddies (HBO Max)

Last read: The House of Spirits by Isabelle Allende

Books read: 4/12